Different degrees of missing you

Loneliness overcomes me again. Loneliness becomes me. Becomes my fuel. Takes over.  Drives me. It’s like a constant state of pain and suffocating. A weakness that drains me and puts me out. My eyes hurt so I keep them closed. Life becomes too much to bear between my feelings of guilt, my binging sessions and obsessively listening to suicidal music. The drama queen rules my kingdom today. Orders sound so loud. They pump fear, lack of self confidence, depression that rip my insides. This disease is so cruel. My desperate hand is reaching for life with no results. The thorns of solitude cut into my flesh until pain makes me feel like throwing up my guts, my bloody organs that used to keep me alive through you. Disconnected from you my whole being feels like an appendix… so unuseful. Even the memory of you smells like a perfume named Warmth. Your name sounds somehow like Hope, Light and Oxygen all together. I start tasting you from under my nails where I still have your skin ripped while I was becoming you. The only thing I have left is the cries of my prayers that beg for me to become an empty vessel again. Hoping the next fillings will be yours.